watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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