I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize