I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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