My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
