Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
