Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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