Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize