don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
