why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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