A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At least life still wants to fuck me.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
This toilet bowl is my home.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
