One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Houston, we have a squirter
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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