she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Randomize
