Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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