I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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