What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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