guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize