my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
