Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
