Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
