you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
