Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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