break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
