in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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