I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
