Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
