I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
