I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize