go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Randomize
