he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
