I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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