im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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