I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
