SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
