i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
