Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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