for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
