Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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