I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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