I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
