Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
