pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
