I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
