My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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