I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
