Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize