she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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