the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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