Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
