i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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