i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Randomize
