We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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