sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
