He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
