Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
