I'm jealous of your bromance
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
