totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
