She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
