My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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