I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
