I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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