I hate your face
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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