Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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